On why inner work so often begins only when the ways we have learned to function start to fail.
Social media outlets are increasingly promoting mental health tips and resources, and encouraging the general public to seek therapy or other professional services to support personal growth. While this movement toward greater openness about mental health has served to reduce stigma and has increasingly encouraged individuals and organizations to seek professional support, resistance to doing the actual inner work remains.
Consuming mental health-related content or raising awareness on social media is important. It is also different from, and far easier than, actually sitting across from another human being and vulnerably sharing some of the most intimate struggles of one’s life. Consequently, while an increasing number of people may enjoy scrolling through Instagram carousels about useful tips and tricks, a far larger number are reluctant to make a call and schedule a first consultation with a psychologist or other mental health professional.
Over the course of years of clinical practice, I’ve found it is not uncommon for people to email or call for an initial consultation, only to never follow up again. No-shows for confirmed first sessions following enthusiastic proclamations of wanting to change, or patterns of cancellation amidst grand statements of commitment to the process of therapy, are not infrequent occurrences. Yet, the client who suddenly “feels better” as the first session approaches and decides they no longer need help is often acting not out of a genuine improvement in their condition, but from a place of fear and resistance to the confrontation of difficult truths.
At an unconscious level, the wish not to know ourselves can be powerful. Resistance to seeking therapy or embarking on other forms of personal growth often serves a defensive function: by avoiding the consulting room, or even a virtual session, we may also avoid confronting difficult realities, painful experiences, or wishes and desires we are not yet ready to acknowledge.
Highly successful, powerful individuals are especially prone to avoiding the confrontation of their true selves and the realities of some of their predicaments. In many such cases, self-examination becomes a last resort, and psychotherapy is typically sought only in moments of crisis, when typical ways of functioning or succeeding in the world have begun to fail. A business is in crisis, a marriage is in jeopardy, or yet another risky love affair is threatening an otherwise carefully built empire.
Many patients have called to schedule an initial appointment at precisely such moments. While many, through enhanced self-understanding, greater emotional intelligence, and improved interpersonal abilities, have been able to generate positive changes in their personal and professional lives or managed to escape a long-building crisis, it has also been evident to me that many such impending catastrophes could have been caught and dealt with far sooner.
In working with one executive, we began to see how chronic avoidant tendencies shaped his approach to delegation, conflict with employees and partners, and important business decisions. Had he sought support some years prior, we may have been able to identify and address these patterns sooner, which could have helped him deal with crucial business matters more head-on. This is one of many examples from my practice in which a significant company crisis might have been avoided had the leader been able to see the importance of what he was bringing to the table as a person. It was not his skills or knowledge that ultimately contributed to many of his professional challenges.
Inner work is often most effective when it does not begin at the point of crisis, but when a person can simply become curious about the patterns shaping their decisions, relationships, ambitions, unconscious wishes, and true desires.
Especially for individuals carrying considerable responsibility or pursuing ambitious goals, this kind of self-examination is not a detour from high performance, but an opportunity to enhance it. Still, many people I work with are initially concerned that doing inner work will take away the very traits that have made them successful. They fear that greater self-examination or self-understanding will somehow reduce their professional effectiveness.
In reality, good psychotherapy or executive coaching is not about taking away a person’s strengths. It is about helping them understand how their personal qualities developed, where they serve them, and where they may interfere with the full expression of their potential. The aim is simply to become more conscious of how those qualities are being used, and to apply them with greater intention.
This essay includes composite clinical material. Identifying details have been changed to protect confidentiality.
Book a free 15-minute consultation to see if working together is the right fit.
Book a Free Consultation